Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
