When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Couch. On fire.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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