Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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