Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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