My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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