I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
