I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
