Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
