Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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