I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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