she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
