do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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