sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
