goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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