I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
