I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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