don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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