i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
