WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
