I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
