he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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