Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
should my penis look like a turkey
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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