Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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