Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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