He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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