Ketchup is God's man juice
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
