I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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