sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
