Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
