So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
