Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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