When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
