Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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