The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize