Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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