On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I wish I only lived at night.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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