I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
