I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
