I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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