He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
