you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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