Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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