Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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