I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
