i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
