the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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