I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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