I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
