even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
