He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
