Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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