The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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