I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
