Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize