having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
