Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
