my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
