If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
