I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
