The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
