Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
