if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
