I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
