gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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