Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
