I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
