I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
