There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
