I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
