Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Randomize
