Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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