Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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