I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
