so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
How does one acquire holy water?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
