I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
